if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
