i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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