I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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