god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
