I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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