Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
