listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
