Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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