Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
