just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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