look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need water and some morals
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
