i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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