Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
