i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
