i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I understand Curling. That high.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
