Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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