My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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