Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
