At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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