She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
They took my balls.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Lo siento on account of my penis...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
