in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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