I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
