I haven't been this sober since birth.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
