if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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