Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
