please come you make the beer taste better
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
