Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
