well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
