I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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