I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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