3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
