conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
