I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
sex in a hospital.. check
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize