I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
