I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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