Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
