so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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