I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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