I wish I could punch you in the face.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
