well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
