Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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