I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
