My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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