I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
