I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
