I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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