textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
