It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
