not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Randomize
