Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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