if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
