Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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