He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
