i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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