I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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