I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
