i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
