she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
