This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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