We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
