maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
