is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
