i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
